


You're Not Alone

by ByTheAngell (SomeLittleInfamy)



Series: Tumblr Prompts [29]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Gen, M/M, POV Simon Lewis, Panic Attacks, Simon Lewis & Alec Lightwood Friendship, Simon Lewis Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-04
Updated: 2019-02-04
Packaged: 2019-10-21 22:53:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17651372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SomeLittleInfamy/pseuds/ByTheAngell
Summary: After Clary and Simon get into a fight, Simon's faced with the realization that - even after getting her back - he's not going to have her around forever. And that isn't a future he's ready to deal with. Thankfully, Alec and Magnus are there to help if he'll let them.





	You're Not Alone

**Author's Note:**

  * For [RandomNerd3](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RandomNerd3/gifts).



> Prompt: Can you write one about Simon forgetting to take care of himself and have him like, run avoid the institute and Shadowhunters like the plague because he and Clary got into a fight about something. He goes running to Magnus for support once Alec accidentally runs into him while on patrol. In the end Alec and Magnus become super overprotective of Simon and don't allow anyone to talk to him unless he okays it first. (Also Simon has panic/anxiety attacks caused by thinking about his fight with Clary)

_“Let me come with you!” Simon offered eagerly, by Clary’s side before anyone else in the room had the opportunity to even blink._

_“Simon, this isn’t exactly vampire business,” Jace pointed out._

_“So?”_

_“We can’t risk that mark on your head acting up and drawing attention on this one.” Isabelle chimed in this time, placing a gentle hand on his arm._

_“Good thing it isn’t like you can stop me. I’m free to go wherever I want in the city, after all. If that just happens to be towards Time Square…” He turned to Clary for support, because he didn’t want to leave her side, and surely she wouldn’t mind him tagging along._

_The hesitation he saw in her expression told him otherwise._

_“...Clary?”_

_“Just sit this one out, okay Simon? I’ve got it. I don’t need your help.”_

_\---_

It’s the first day that week that Simon actually feels like he’s doing alright. Sure, he’s gone out of his way to avoid anything within a 30 minute radius of the New York Institute. Sure, he’s even avoiding the Dumort just in case Alec and the others show up there on Clave business. Sure, his family doesn’t think he’s alive, and he hasn’t spoken to a single person who knows him outside of Jordan Kyle (who got him the temporary residence he’s currently hiding out at) in approximately 6 days, 12 hours, and 39 minutes. Not that he’s counting, because he’s doing alright.

Or he thinks he is, until he sees the flash of red hair in the crowd of people in front of him. Fight or flight. He should run - he’s faster than the girl approaching him, he could be gone in the blink of an eye, before she even realizes he’s there. But instead he’s paralyzed, rooted to the sidewalk, jostled to and fro from the passersby trying to move around his sudden obstructive presence.

She’s laughing with Jace and Alec; the blonde has an arm around her and the other rolls his eyes, but looks down at the two of them with a hint of fondness. Simon lets out a choked noise he doesn’t mean to, but he can’t help it. After going so out of his way to avoid her, to avoid _all of them_ , of course they’d end up crossing paths in one of the neighboring boroughs he traveled to keep this very scenario from happening.

He doesn’t realize he’s crying until they’re close enough to see him - Jace first, and then the others. Their faces drop one at a time at the sight of him, first surprise, then confusion, and then concern. Simon blinks. He feels his chest contracting as if he can’t breathe, a phantom symptom of something he’s grown to know far too intimately the past week.  

Simon’s having another panic attack.

It happened the first time he saw her after their fight, and a few times after when some of the others tried to talk to him about it. Jace had been with Clary the first time it happened, and he tracked Simon down right after. Izzy and Alec tried to get him to talk about it, and finally Jordan, when he needed help finding a place to live. Too many people. Too much concern he doesn’t deserve. He knows they’re only trying to help, but thinking about it is too much and he decided it would be easier to hide than to run the risk of seeing her again right now.

Some good that did.

“Si--” her voice is quiet, lost in the noise of the people around them even as she takes a few hesitant steps away from the Shadowhunters and toward him. He knows it’s his name because he’s seen it leave her lips enough times to know the shape it takes.

Before she gets a full word out he’s off, stumbling in his haste, nearly barreling himself into a dozen pedestrians in his rush to get away. He doesn’t know where he’s going and he doesn’t care - he just needs to _not be here_.

Simon doesn’t make it far before he spills out into an alley, tucking himself behind a large dumpster, doing his best to ignore the stench of it while trying to calm himself down. He’s useless like this. He can’t focus enough to remember the way back to his new place. He can’t focus on anything except the last time he spoke with Clary, unable to stop the flashes of memory that come.  

\---

_“So, what are we doing today, Fray?” Simon asked, dropping himself onto her bed. “Movie marathon? Chinese? Walk through Prospect Park? It’s gorgeous out, and...”_

_“Simon, stop. I can’t… I can’t keep doing this.”_

_“Walks? If you don’t want to go out we can always-”_ __  
_  
_ _“No, not walks, Simon. This. Us._ **_You_ **. I know…” she frowned. “What happened wasn’t your fault. You don’t have to be so clingy now that I’m back. I’m fine.”

_“I know you are. But I thought I lost you, Clary. I thought I lost you, and all I could think of was all the time we missed out on the past few months.”_

_“I know. I get it, really I do. But you’re smothering me, Si. I feel like I can barely breathe since I got back. Can you just take a break from constant Clary duty for a little bit?”_

_“Oh. Wow. Okay.”_

_“I just need some space.”_

_“And what about what I need? I thought you were_ **_dead_ ** _, Clary. Sorry if wanting to be around the one person I have left in my life is a burden to you.”_

_“ You can’t just have one friend the rest of your life. I can’t keep you busy 24/7.”_

_“...is that what this is? I’m sorry, I thought you were my best friend, not my babysitter.”_

_“You know I don’t mean it like that.”_

_“Didn’t you? We’ve always had each other’s backs, Fray. I’ve never needed anyone else as long as I’ve had you around.”_

_“Well, we aren’t kids growing up any more, Simon. Things are different now._ **_We’re_ ** _different, and I’m not going to be here forever, so you better get used to that.” To Clary’s credit, she at least managed to look guilty the moment the words, pent up for so long, flood out of her mouth. “... I’m sorry, it’s just-”_

_“It’s fine. You made it perfectly clear you don’t want me around.”_

_\---_

He’s brought back to the present by a touch on his shoulder. He reacts instinctively, startled into a fight-or-flight response that has his fangs out and in the neck of the unfortunate soul who came to see if he’s alright. Simon drinks from the girl for 15 seconds before the blood in his system works to clear his thoughts, grounding him enough that the panic fades and he realizes what he’s doing, pulling back abruptly.

The girl looks young - 16? Maybe 17? - and wearing an apron. The bag of trash sitting in front of the dumpster tells him she works here, and only came out to get rid of the trash when she found him there.

Simon tenses, immediately channeling his encanto. “You were attacked by someone who tried to mug you. They were wearing a ski mask so you can’t identify them. They cut your neck in the attempt, but you’re going to be fine. You aren’t even shaken up by it - you’re surprisingly calm.”

 _That makes one of us_ , Simon thinks before taking off again.

He needs help.

\---

...but that doesn’t mean he has the sense to go seek it out, not at first. He spends another day on his own until he sees a familiar face again - it’s Alec, alone. And he isn’t in his Shadowhunter gear. Simon knows there’s no reason for him to be all the way out here like this, and he’s nervous. Simon can hear alec’s heartbeat racing from where he stands.

“Simon. Simon, please don’t run again.”  
  
Simon hesitates, looking at the Shadowhunter closely, and it occurs to him that Alec didn’t run into him here by accident when he sees the tracking rune (recently drawn) glowing gently on his arm.

Are they hunting him now? He knows that he’s a threat with the Mark on his forehead, and that he’s supposed to be keeping track of everything with the Praetor at the very least, but he’s been off the radar for days now. What if they thought he’d gone entirely Rogue? _What if Alec is here to take him in?_

He can’t let that happen. He can’t go back right now, not with Clary there. Simon winces, and gives Alec a look that’s only half-heartedly apologetic, before taking off.

He doesn’t know where he’s going until he’s there, coming to an abrupt halt outside of Magnus’ Loft. If Alec is halfway across town when he left him then it’d be quite a few minutes before he’d make his way back here, so he has time. Hopefully. Then again, if Alec is looking for him, would Magnus just turn him right over anyway? Magnus once told him that he could come to him for help, but… well, that was before, and just in general. This is Shadowhunter business his boyfriend is directly involved in.

Simon is still hesitating outside of the Loft several minutes later when the door opens, and Magnus pokes his head out into the hallway.

“Are you coming in, or are you just going to pace out there all day?” He asks, leaving the door open as he disappears back inside.

Simon bites down on his lower lip for a moment longer before following him inside.

“I’m glad you’re here. Did Alec talk to you, then?”

Simon shakes his head. “No… I saw him and took off. You can tell him I’m sorry about that. But I just couldn’t… I can’t go back there right now.”

“Back where?” Magnus questions.

“Back to the Institute. He was sent to take me in for going AWOL, right?”

“No. We wanted to find you to make sure everything was alright. After the other day we were worried. I haven’t heard a lot about what happened, but… well, not to sound too much like a doting guardian, but I know you don’t have a lot of people you can turn to if you aren’t turning to us. I just wanted you to know that we’re here. If you need us.”

“We?” Simon asks, not sure who else Magnus is referring to. Raphael wouldn’t want anything to do with him, he’s certain...

“Me and Alec. You can trust us. You shouldn’t be out there alone, especially not in your condition.”

Simon gives a bitter laugh. “Do I look that bad?”

Magnus looks rueful. “...and I was being nice about it.”

There’s the sound of the door handle turning and Simon tenses, getting ready to take off out the balcony, when he sees the height of the man walking through the door and immediately registers it as Alec. The Shadowhunter is speaking before he’s even through the door.

“I found him, but he ran before I could--” Alec sees Simon and trails off abruptly. “Oh, you’re here.”

Part of Simon is tempted to run anyway, despite what Magnus told him. It must be pretty obvious by the way Alec hesitates in the doorframe, frozen as if afraid another step will send Simon fleeing again like a startled cat. He isn’t half wrong.

“I can leave…” Alec begins, and Simon is surprised to find it’s sincere. Alec is willing to turn around and leave his own home (is  he living here permanently? Simon realizes that he isn’t entirely positive about that, but it sure seems like he spends most of his time here at least, not that that little detail is the most important thing at the moment) just to keep Simon there. Simon’s eyes are wide, thinking fast.

“Perhaps it’s best if you should-” Magnus starts before Simon cuts him off.

“No, I couldn’t-- it’s fine.” He looks from Magnus to Alec. “I’m fine. Stay.” He isn’t fine, and they all know it. And he isn’t entirely sure if he is really fine with Alec being there, either, but Alec did go through all that trouble to try and find him earlier, so the least Simon can do now in return is not kick the poor guy right back out of his own apartment.

Alec comes into the room fully, shutting the door behind him, and both he and Magnus share a look that questions where to go from here.

“Can I use your shower?” Simon asks. He spent a lot of the past few days on the streets - he is kind of filthy, his hair in knots, his skin and clothing darkened with patches of dirt.

“Of course. There are towels in the closet in the bathroom, right down the hall.” Magnus says without missing a beat.

Simon nods and leaves, using the borrowed time to take a longer than necessary shower, thinking of what he’s going to do, or say, when he gets back out there. He stays in the bathroom until he thinks he’s fine, which clearly isn’t the case when he opens the door quietly and hears the conversation from the living room.

“-I just don’t know what we’re going to do now that he’s _here_. It isn’t like we can force her to talk to him.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, anyway. Poor Biscuit is still recovering from everything she went through on her own…”

“He doesn’t even know the half of it. Maybe if I could tell him-”

“Tell me what?” Simon asks, making his presence known with a confidence he doesn’t feel.

“...you were listening.” Alec states the obvious. “Which means you know I can’t tell you. It isn’t my story to tell.”

“Right. It’s her’s.” Simon can’t even bring himself to say Clary’s name. “And she never wants to speak to me again, so I might as well just leave the city because it isn’t like I’ll ever have another person to talk to here, will I? Not with my family glamoured and Raphael gone and now the lot of you hiding things from me and Clary--”

The words tumble out of Simon’s mouth in a rush, but the moment he says her name it’s too much. His eyes screw shut against the tears he can’t afford to shed again, not here, not in front of Magnus and Alec. It doesn’t matter, because soon his whole body is shaking, hands balled into fists at his side in an effort to hold back the wave of panic he feels over the idea of losing Clary forever.

Alec hesitates, but Magnus is by his side a moment later, hands gently coming to rest on his heaving shoulders. “It’s alright. We’re here for you. We aren’t going anywhere.”

It takes three minutes for those words to calm Simon, so that his thoughts clear enough to process them.

“It’s all my fault,” Simon says at last, the words half-spoken, half-sobbed. “I pushed her too hard… I pushed her away. She hates me now.”

“She doesn’t hate you. She just needs some space,” Alec says, but not before looking Simon up and down with serious consideration. “...have you always gotten panic attacks?” Alec asks, voice low and full of concern.

It isn’t a question Simon expects. He doesn’t realize he’s been so obvious about it and doesn’t have an answer at first.

“I used to get them sometimes. I could usually hide it, or take it out on the punching bag before they got too bad.” Alec offers the explanation freely to fill the silence.

“You?” Simon asks. He runs the entire _Institute_ of Shadowhunters. _He kills demons for a living_. Simon can’t imagine a world where Alec Lightwood might be brought out of commission by panic or anxiety. He can’t imagine an Alec that isn’t full of eyerolls and snarky confidence.

“Yeah,” Alec huffs out a breath of a laugh, not quite making eye contact. It’s obvious this isn’t something he speaks of often… or at all.  “Me. So I get it. If you, you know… wanted to talk or something.”

Magnus is there to talk about his Downworlder problems. Alec is there to talk about his panic attacks, and maybe even about Clary a little. The offers are there, if he can bring himself to take them.

And what option does he have other than going back out onto the streets, alone?

“...do you think I could crash here for a little?”

\---

The first test of this newfound, tentative friendship with Alec and Magnus is when there’s a knock at the door the following morning. Simon, asleep on the sofa, hears the insistent banging first. He knows that it can be any number of people before it’d be Clary, but that doesn’t stop the thought from crossing his mind. The next thing he knows he’s down the hall, pressed against the farthest wall from the front door that isn’t barging straight into Magnus and Alec’s bedroom.

“Alec? You in there?!” A voice sounds from the other side of the door now, loud enough to be heard through it and from where Simon hides. Jace. The next to last person he wants to see, aside from the obvious.

There’s rustling from the bedroom and Alec padds out in sweatpants and socks and nothing else, wiping at his eyes. It takes him a moment to notice Simon but when he does his brow furrows. “I’ll get rid of him,” Alec promises with zero hesitation, and Simon looks after him as he hurries the rest of the way to the front door, speaking in hushed whispers that Simon can still pick up on.

“I said it’s under control, Jace.”

“It isn’t safe to keep him here. We don’t know what he’s--”

“Magnus and I got this. I’ll see you at the Institute.”

The door shuts again, and when the sound of footsteps comes back towards him it’s just one set: Alec’s.

“He’s gone, don’t worry. I’ll talk to the others later, let them know you’re alright.”

Simon makes a noise that sounds like it can almost be a laugh, if not for how bitter it is. “I wish I was.” He does, however, ease up off the wall. “Thanks, though.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”  
  
“No.” The word is instinctive. He isn’t ready. Even just thinking about it-- no, he can’t talk about it yet.

“We’re here if you do,” Magnus reassures Simon, making his way out of the bedroom after the early wake-up before heading to the kitchen to start breakfast and coffee. Simon settles back in on the sofa while they go about their morning routines, not needing any of that, and not having anywhere else to go.

Magnus lingers after Alec is gone for the day, and looks like he’s debating whether to do whatever it is he has planned at all. Simon can tell he’s stalling.

“I’ll be fine. Really. You guys are already doing more than enough for me, I owe you. Enough to not run away the second you turn your head, I swear.” He’s enough of a burden to Clary and the others… he knows how much trouble he’ll cause if he runs off now. He doesn’t want to be the reason for any more worry than he already has been.

“Alright.” Magnus finally agrees. “Help yourself to the blood. And if you do leave - you’re not a prisoner here, after all - it’d make me feel better if you at least let me know.”

“Okay.” Simon can promise that much. He doesn’t go anywhere, though. He watches some movie on tv, has a little blood to keep his energy up and his head clear, and eventually grabs a book off of Magnus’ shelf to read. He pretends not to catch the flicker of relief in Magnus and Alec’s eyes when they both portal home together later that afternoon and find him still there.

\---

It’s several hours after dinner when there’s another knock at the door. The three of them are in the living room, winding down with some mindless reality TV that Simon insists they have to experience at least once, and all three of them tense at the sound.

“You aren’t expecting anyone, are you?” Alec asks Magnus, who only shakes his head.

“I need a less popular place to lay low,” Simon groans, deflecting the spike of fear he feels with humor. If he can joke, he’s fine, right? Good old Simon, up to his normal tricks?

He almost has himself convinced that he _is_ actually okay after Jace’s sudden arrival yesterday, until Magnus goes to answer the door, stopping to look through the peephole.

“It’s Clary.”

That, Simon isn’t ready for.

“No.” He shakes his head, the motion gaining speed with each back-and-forth. Just the thought of her brings their fight back to the front of his mind. He can’t think of her without thinking that she won’t be by his side forever. He hates how much that thought gets under his skin and into his head - he despises how much it’s ruining not only him, but his and Clary’s friendship.

“She knows you’re here, so she has to be here for you. You don’t want to work things through, maybe just hear her out?” Alec tries, but is only met with more vehement headshaking.

“No.” Simon can’t put into words why not. He knows that he should want to, that talking to her again, being her friend again, is obviously something he still wants and needs in his life. But he also knows that if he tries to now it’ll all go wrong. He can barely form a coherent thought about Clary without thinking of an eternity without her since their fight. He almost lost her once, and now he is going to lose her _forever_ , and somehow he doesn’t think he can face her without breaking down entirely.

“I’ll take care of it,” Magnus says, sliding the lock out of place and cracking the door open just enough to slide through.

“Magnus, hey. Is Simon still here?” Simon feels himself ache at the sound of her concern.

“Biscuit, how about we talk out here for a second.” Magnus is gone a moment later, and Simon strains to hear what’s said behind the closed door.

“It’ll be best if you don’t come around for a little while, at least not unannounced, okay? Tell the others, too.”

There is a pause, but the definitive tone of Magnus’ voice makes it clear that it isn’t up for debate. The tension in Simon’s shoulders only fades when he hears the door shut again, followed by the soft sound of retreating footsteps.

“She won’t come back. No one will besides the two of us, not unless you say you want them here. Deal?”

“Why are you doing this for me?” Simon asks instead of replying.

“Because we all deserve a safe space to cope, Simon. I’ve been where you are. Losing the people you love, facing your own immortality…” Magnus trails off with a small, sad smile. “I’m still there, every time I get attached to someone I know will be taken from me one day.” He casts a forlorn look in Alec’s direction that nearly breaks Simon’s heart. “If being alone is what you need right now, it’s what you’ll get. I’d rather kick a few people out of the Loft for a while than have you suffering alone on the streets.”

“Thank you. And yeah, I’d appreciate that. Not forever. I just need some time to process. I hadn’t considered…” Simon looks from Magnus, to Alec, and back, before deciding to talk. “We had a fight because after she got back I got too clingy. But I already lost her once, and I wanted to make sure we spent as much time together as we could now that she’s back. But when she pointed out she wouldn’t be around forever, I just… I don’t know. Something snapped. I just lost my family, Maia left town, Clary is the only constant I have left, except…”

“Except she isn’t. Because no mortal person will ever be a constant for you anymore.” Magnus supplies, nodding slowly. “It’s a lot to accept for someone you love, especially as early on in your immortality as you are. It’s natural, Simon. You don’t have to be ashamed of it.”

Simon huffs. “Yeah, okay, well is it normal to not even be able to look at the one person you actually want to spend time with?”

Magnus sighs, his voice full of the sort of patience that comes with decades - no, Simon reminds himself, _centuries_ \- of life experience when he speaks again. “It is when you’re hyper-fixating on the bad, the inevitable, instead of the potential good of the present. It won’t be forever.”

Simon nods, though he isn’t sure he believes him. After all, forever is exactly what he has stretched out in front of him. Why _shouldn’t_ it last forever?

\---

Magnus _is_ right, though. Simon stays at the Loft for the following week. It takes him another day to really start talking about it, mostly with Magnus, but eventually with Alec, too. After losing his family, and then Maia, Clary is all he has left. Or so he thinks. Magnus and Alec are both far more understanding than he deserves, and after a few talks with Magnus about how he dealt with this the first few times he faced it Simon starts to think that he might be able to face people again. He starts to realize that, as much as he needs Clary in his life, she might’ve had a point -- he needs more than just her, no matter what he thought before. And maybe he had more all along without realizing it.

The others ask about Simon, Clary in particular, but Alec always checks in with him first to see if he’s ready to talk to any of them. Simon starts by allowing Jordan to come over, if only to spare Alec the duty of reporting about Simon to the Praetor in Jordan’s absence.

“Are you certain?” Alec asks, and where Simon expects to see nothing but relief that he wouldn’t have to worry about that any more, there is only concern.

Simon nods. “Yeah. I can talk to Jordan, stay on his radar again. You’ve done more than enough for me already, you don’t need to keep checking in with the Praetor, that isn’t your job. I owe him an explanation for taking off like that, anyway.”

Alec gives him a once-over before nodding. “Okay.” The werewolf is the first person in the Loft besides the three of them in a week. After that it’s Izzy, and then…

“Clary wants to know if she can come over,” Alec says slowly, a little while after his return home from the Institute one day. Simon’s jaw clenches instinctively. He doesn’t reply for a few moments that stretch into seconds, and then a full minute before he makes a decision.

“Yeah. I want to -- I need to talk to her. But do you think you could stay this time?” With the others Alec and Magnus had made excuses to leave. He appreciated it, but that isn’t what he needs this time around. “Just in case...?” He doesn’t need to say what the ‘just in case’ is. He thinks he’s ready. Magnus said as much days ago, even if Simon made a point of talking to everyone else before Clary. But if he isn’t… he doesn’t want to be alone with her if he is wrong. Would she understand? Would he be able to explain?

“Of course, Si. We’ll be in Magnus’ workroom.”

“Thanks.” Simon exhales a sigh of relief his body doesn’t strictly need, but he feels better regardless.

An hour later the knock on the door sounds, soft and hesitant. It’s Alec, not Simon, who goes to answer it, pausing with his hand on the knob to give Simon one last questioning glance - a last chance to change his mind.

Simon only nods, getting ready to face Clary again for the first time in the nearly two weeks since their fight. It’s been about a week since his last panic attack, and he only teared up a little while talking to Isabelle the other day. He can do this, he thinks to himself. And if he can’t, then Alec and Magnus will be there to help, an unexpected safety net in this current chapter of his immortal life.

Whatever happens next, he knows he isn’t alone. Not anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> (Find me on [Tumblr](http://bytheangell.tumblr.com) and also on [Twitter](http://www.twitter.com/By_The_Angell) while we all hang out waiting for someone to #SaveShadowhunters ! <3 )


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